To The Boy I've Loved Before

Lord, I pray that you watch over him continuously. I pray that you continue to guide him down the wonderful path he is on. I pray that he does not let the malice in this world taint his heart, for his heart is the purest I've ever met. In your name, I pray, Amen

Every night I say a prayer for my Ex (and everyone else I love!). My Ex and I, like others, shared many experiences together that I will forever carry with me for the rest of my life. Certain times when I look back I get angry at certain things that happened, and the tribulations we went through. Sometimes I get upset when I think of the times I took for granted. Other times, I just sit and smile and think about how grateful I was to just meet a soul like his. Going through a breakup isn't easy, especially when you are young. I for one didn't know how to deal with all the emotions I was feeling. I had remained isolated, just so I didn't act out or fall into negative outlets. This allowed me to turn to more positive resources. I took the time to journal my thoughts and feelings. At times, I'd grow frustrated cause I felt like I couldn't put into words what I was going through. I got stuck on worrying if I was "grieving right" and taking the "proper steps", that I didn't even realize how far I had come.

It took my relationship to end to understand a lot more about myself. Like why certain questions triggered my temper. Why I would get weird when someone showed me affection or even attention. All that journaling and time alone allowed me to reflect on my past. It's almost scary when you notice how much you are like your parents. We try to avoid certain traits, but avoidance only makes it worse. We aren't learning how to utilize these traits and control them. I spent years trying to act like my attitude, irrationality, and stubbornness wasn't from my parents....as if I were better than them. I'm where I am today, because I never took the time to deal with certain things, and work on my behavior.

This is what life is about. It's not about running and living in fear. It's not about hiding our pain and avoiding situations. It's about willing to fail and then trying again. It's about making mistakes and then learning from them. Without making mistakes and failing, we would not grow. Pain is where we uncover the truths that we are too scared to reveal ourselves.

Writing this blog post was therapeutic for me, as I surprised myself with my own vulnerability and sensibility. It has allowed me to forgive myself. It has made me more excited with what the future holds for me, as I begin to embark on my 20 somethings journey. However, before I end I want to give a proper shoutout to my dear friend.

To the boy that I've loved, and still love, thank you for treating me like a queen and telling me to never accept anything less. Thank you for spending your last dollar on me, and doing anything you could to make me happy. Thank you for holding yourself accountable, and for taking responsibility when it was needed. Thank you for showing me that being a better person always wins at the end of the day. Thank you for showing me the meaning of family even more, and showing me that there are actually men out there who aren't afraid to wear their heart on their sleeve( you a brave soul lol).

You have given me more strength and confidence, which is why I am able to wear my heart on my sleeve today and let my readers know all of this. So for those of you reading, if you are going through a breakup.. understand that it is only time that will heal your heart. Understand that the actions you take after will also contribute to your growth as a person. Also, credit yourself for anything you did/do well and continue to work on them as well as the bad. Remember that relationships (platonic even) take two to tango, which means it is never all your fault. All you can ever do in life is learn...if you choose to.