Help What's Wrong With Me??!?!!?!?!?

" Love will come upon you, throw its arms around you, and transform your entire existence. Unfortunately, most of us won't recognize the experience or understand the impact when it's happening. It's like being in therapy. You keep talking, searching, questioning what's going on with you and in you while being totally ignorant of the fact that you are being blessed. Perhaps it's because love rarely shows up in the places that we expect it to or looks the way we expect it to look."

                                                                                       - Iyanla Vanzant

Up until six months ago, I hadn't realized that I spent most of my life living in the "basement", as Iyanla would go on to describe in her book as a place of limbo and pain.  She would then go on to break apart our personal development into the floors of a house each describing a different stage. There was the basement, first floor, second floor, and third floor. The basement is where I had lived for a long time. I never could really understand what was wrong with me. I would be so up and down. I was never satisfied.. and I didn't know what else I could do. Except I did, but I wasn't willing to move out of my comfort zone. I got used to leaving everything bottled up. I got used to dismissing my thoughts and feelings. However, this had to change.

There it was...me recognizing something needing to change. This is when I reached the first floor and knew it was time I needed to heal. I didn't know what measures would need to be taken, or what I'd have to leave behind, but I was prepared because my past was catching up to me. The blame was on me, and now it was a matter of getting up to the second floor.

I like it up here...it's where I've been spending a lot more time lately.  The past month or so, I've been spending a lot of time introspecting, changing past behavior, praying, reading, and enjoying time with myself, which has all contributed to my joy in the past few weeks. However, it wasn't always like this. This floor can be very uncomfortable at times. It's uncomfortable because it is where a lot of transformation and shifting takes place. So much so, that it scared me to the point, that I started exhibiting first-floor behavior, and was dismissing my progress. Yet, I had come this far for what? To just retract in my progress? NO NO NO NO!!!!! NOT TODAY SATAN! The fear in me was only coming out because I was entering territory I hadn't yet been. I was scared and planting doubt, where doubt had no place being.

* Flash forward to the present*

I'm in my second week of therapy now, and I really love it guys. I have grown such a fond love when it comes to learning about myself, and the way my mind works ( I've always had a secret love for psychology lol, maybe in another life). I love making the connections to my past, present, and future. I love that I'm finally being proactive about my emotional health and taking it a step a further. Along with sharing with you my journey, I wanted to share a quote with you I have been carrying around with me for the past few weeks.

" Your competition isn't other people. Your competition is your procrastination. Your ego. The unhealthy food you're consuming, the knowledge you neglect. The negative behavior you're nurturing & your lack of creativity. Compete against that. "

Compete with that, compete with yourself. Don't be worrying about what the next person is doing. Don't be worrying about fixing others. Worry about yourself. Stop feeding off of negativity, stop saying " I don't care", because it's a whole new season. You don't want to get older and be carrying on with toxic traits and habits. That only leads to the toxic domestic cycle we should be trying to end. So my loves, find someone you can talk to, check out resources that are accessible to you, read books, journal, pray more than you vent, etc. If you need me, I'm always here as well. I'm a work in progress, but I am still willing and able to listen and help as best as I can.

With love and best wishes for your journey,

Nayanka