Till' Death Do Us Part

" I take you to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

When I was 13, I would sit in my room and envision my future. I imagined where I was going to college, the countries I'd want to visit, the job I wanted to do, and just vaguely I would think about marriage. Who was I going to end up with? When would I get married? What dress would I be wearing? Obviously, at that age, I didn't have a definite answer about any of my plans but it was nice to dream. Somehow I always felt closer to the idea of my personal goals, than my romantic ones.

When I was 16, my friend and I would have late night talks about our future goals. My education and career goals expanded and became more focused. Anytime I thought about them I'd feel this warm sensation. It felt like I always knew what I was meant to do, and I believed in myself enough to make it happen. This wasn't the same for relationships. We got to talking about marriage. We shared our thoughts on it, and if we saw ourselves getting married and if so what age we'd want to get married. " 25 would be a nice, but I don't know If I want to get married or see myself being married", I replied.

I felt like that was the age most girls started dreaming about who their ideal partner would be and what they would want their wedding to be like.  For me it was the age, I formed the thought that I didn't want to get married because I feared that my love would not be enough for the person. That I would not be able to give them the amount of affection or attention that they wanted, because I lacked in those areas. I only saw myself as this successful independent women, living in a fabulous city, with a great job, and great apartment...but essentially alone. I believed in that future for myself.

I'm now 20 and realized that this image I had conjured up was made out of complete fear. It was easier to believe in myself than belief in love. It was easier to build a wall up, rather than letting my guard down. I'd let past relationships, and experiences build a wall around me and my vision of love. My vision had been tainted. However, I no longer accept this.

" What's meant for you will not pass you by."

This past weekend, I attended a wedding. It was nice. Seeing two people come together to make a unite was...hopeful. It filled me with joy. I would've never thought that only in a few short hours, would I be the one planted with a faith unseen. But I was, as soon as I caught the flower bouquet. The thing is, is that I didn't fight for it. I stood there, and it just kind of landed in my hands. At first,  I was confused, but then I got the feeling of peace and joy. Not because I knew I was getting married anytime soon, but because I knew it was time for me to start claiming the love I deserved. It was time for me to start manifesting the love I wanted.

*In five years I'm going to be living my best life, with the love of my life...just wait on it. *

Until then,

Nayanka Paul