One more month and 2018 is over guys. This year like any other brought unexpected events, new memories, new lessons, and etc. For me this year brought more heartbreak than any other year, but it also has been the most transitional year for me. It broke me to the point, that I had no choice but to build myself back up again. I've been very open with you guys in my struggle with self-doubt, stress, toxic behavior, and etc. Through this journey, you all have been with me whether you know it or not. Your words of encouragement and support are the reasons I have grown to love certain parts about me I haven't always loved. The reason I have the confidence to speak about certain issues, and uncomfortable topics. But one of the biggest things I've learned in 2018, is learning how to trust myself.
I have never been a trusting person, maybe cause my parents from a young age drilled into my head that I should never trust anyone. Maybe its bad experiences with others that led me to be untrusting of others and their motives. However, what did other's poor motives have to do with me trusting myself? Nothing. By the age 14, I stopped trusting myself when it came to making decisions for myself. Around this time is when my anxiety became worse. This is around the age I started seeking out more approval from my parents, and I started performing worse in school because I did not trust my abilities as much. All throughout high school, it remained like this. I worked my butt off, no matter how much others doubted me or tore me apart I never gave up, yet my dedication and skills were never acknowledged or appreciated. At least from those that I wanted it from. I lost hope and faith in myself. I didn't see myself as academically smart or being able to achieve certain things. Yet at the same time, I still knew I had so much to offer the world. It was the tug- a- war between what I had always known, and what people drilled into my head.
However, it was my choice to listen to those people. It was my choice to let them sway me in another direction. I could've ignored them, but I guess hearing something over and over again makes you doubt yourself. But still, I had mentioned earlier that I felt something inside of me that was bigger, it just wasn't strong enough yet. I didn't feed that part enough. I fed the doubt rather. Started seeking advice from people that weren't valid...isn't that funny?
My senior year of high school, we were supposed to write down our name on a piece of paper and then something you planned on doing in the future ( something along those lines...its been a minute lol). Anyways, at the end of the year, the teacher read them to the class, and I had actually forgotten what I wrote. It read " Nayanka Paul is going to change the world one day." Everyone in my class laughed. Maybe cause they didn't believe it, maybe cause they thought I was arrogant, or maybe because they just didn't see it as possible. At that moment, it didn't matter though because I knew it. I always knew it. I replied, with a chuckle and said: " you'll see". Maybe that's when I started feeding that side of me a bit more. However, I still battled with myself from time to time. Not up until recently have I realized that I'm doing it. I'm doing everything I said I would. I'm working towards everything I want. I'm succeeding.
I've learned that you always have to you #1 supporter. Be your strongest believer and best friend. Pray more ( or talk to yourself more), rather than venting to others. Stop asking others what they think is best for you, because they don't know, and it is not their fault. Don't listen to your parents when it comes to what you want and feel you need. They don't know. They want what's best for you, but what they think is best for you and what is actually best for you will not always align and that's okay. Learn to disappoint people and be okay with it. When it comes to matters of your heart, trust yourself. Tell Satan and the haters that you not playing with them today lol, because there is more for you out there and you will achieve it.
With love and support,