" Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to."
- Harriet Lerner
It took me a while, but I guess I'm finally listening. Lately, I've been in a constant tug of war with myself. I felt like I was battling with light and darkness. I've been trying so hard to contain this anger and pain inside of me, so very hard that I thought I no longer had it. I thought I was doing myself justice by pushing an emotion like this so far down so that I could believe I was happy. Don't get me wrong I have been feeling better these past few months then I have been in a while. However, that doesn't mean that anger and pain are no longer there. Or the reason I can't get a full nights rest. Or the fact that whenever something goes wrong, my mind instantly goes to a negative place. If someone had to ask me what drives me, anger would be my reply. I know in the last post I said it was passion and faith, but if I'm being honest with myself and you guys I believe my anger has been weighing over me more. At the time when I wrote the last post I hadn't quite realized that or wasn't allowing myself to see that I was still hanging onto which was a lot of pain, and it was only growing because I kept pushing it down. I'm tired though, and I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want my pain to be the main thing that drives me anymore. After a while, you just start to fill empty. I don't want to fill empty anymore.
I want to start operating off of passion. I have so much passion for what I love, and the people I love and I only want to spread that more. I want to start being driven by faith. Faith is such a beautiful thing. To be driven by faith is such a powerful thing, so powerful that I wouldn't have to feel the need to contain my anger. The truth is I'm human and I will get angry, and I will go through painful experiences, so the need to contain it isn't needed. It will pass, and by feeding my faith and passion the anger will only grow weak and subside.
So next year when you ask me what drives me it will no longer be anger. It will be love, passion, and faith because hanging on to anger and pain is so last year anyway;)