*My late night thoughts/revelations*
*Ego meets clarity*
I'm a healer. From a young age, I always felt like I had the power to heal anyone. When you think about, that's a big role to give yourself at a young age. I carried this role all throughout my years. I wiped the tears of friends and helped them put their pieces back together even though moments before I was inconsolable. I entered my past relationship with the same mission unknowingly. I didn't think I had it in me because moments before I had my heart, ripped out, and my trust broken. Me entering this relationship was giving myself another chance, and to give this person a chance. I wasn't healed though, and little did I know that I would attract someone else that wasn't healed either. That's what we do though, we attract. It was all fun and games until things got more serious and in my brain, I gave myself an assignment. I told myself I wanted to help him, and I wanted to be the light in his life. I told myself I had what it took to heal him and to help him grow. I assigned myself a role I had no business doing, and this is why months later I'm still frustrated. Frustrated at myself, because I failed. In my eyes, I failed. The relationship failed. I could not heal this person. I saw so much in them and invested so much in them and I failed.
The truth is though, is that I had no business making that my job. NO BUSINESS WHAT SO EVER!!!! I'm not God. My purpose may be to help people and be there for others, but it is not to heal someone. To top it off that person did not ask to be healed, nor did they believe they needed to be. Therefore, I really had no business giving myself that role. To top it off I wasn't healed myself...
It's why I've been so adamant on taking these last months of 2018 for myself. It's why I devote so much time caring for myself and praying. All I want is to be healed. That's what I want for everyone. I read a post from Grit and Virtue the other day, and it spoke about choosing a word you want to carry with you into 2019 and focus on. Heal is the word I've chosen.